Homilies on Ephesians 20.5–20.7

And see how he expands the theme of love, recounting what concerns Christ, what concerns one's own flesh, and “For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father”; but the theme of fear he no longer expands. Why? Because he wishes rather this to prevail, the theme of love. For where this is, all the rest follows; but where that is, not necessarily. For one who loves his wife, even if she is not very obedient, will nevertheless bear everything; so difficult and hard is concord when they are not bound together by the love that holds the mastery; but fear will not necessarily achieve this. That is why he dwells more on this, which is strong. And the wife, who seems to be at a disadvantage because she was commanded to fear, has the advantage; for the husband has been commanded the more important thing, to love. What then, someone says, if the wife does not fear? You love; fulfil your own part. For even if what comes from others does not follow, what comes from us must. I mean this: “Being subject,” he says, “to one another in the fear of Christ.” What then, if the other is not subject? You obey the law of God. So it is here too: let the wife, even if she is not loved, nevertheless fear, so that nothing may be lacking on her side; and let the husband, even if the wife does not fear, nevertheless love, so that he may fall short in nothing; for each has received his own part. This, then, is marriage made according to Christ, a spiritual marriage and a spiritual birth, not of blood, not of birth pangs. Such too was Isaac's; hear the Scripture saying, “And it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.” And the marriage is not from passion nor of bodies, but wholly spiritual, the soul being joined to God in an unspeakable union, which he alone knows. That is why he says, “He who is joined to the Lord is one spirit.” See how eager he is to unite flesh to flesh and spirit to spirit. Where are the heretics? If marriage were among things reviled, he would not have called them bride and bridegroom; he would not, in exhorting, have brought forward the words, “A man shall leave his father and mother,” and added again, “with reference to Christ” … and to the church. For of her the Psalmist too says, “Hear, O daughter, and see, and incline your ear; and forget your people and your father's house; and the king will desire your beauty.” That is why Christ too said, “I came out from the Father, and I have come.” But when I say that he left the Father, do not think of it as among men, a change of place. For as he is said to have come forth, not because he went out, but because of the flesh, so too “he left the Father.” Why then did he not say of the wife too, “She shall be joined to her husband”? Why? Because he was speaking of love, and speaking to the husband. For to her, speaking of fear, he says, “The husband is the head of the wife,” and again, “And Christ is the head of the church”; but to him he speaks of love, and entrusted to him its concerns, and uttered to him the things of love, binding him tight and gluing him to her. For a man who leaves his father for the sake of his wife, and then again leaves and abandons this very wife, what pardon would he deserve? Do you not see how much honour God wishes her to enjoy, in that he led you away from your father and nailed you to her? What then, someone says, if our part is done but she does not follow? “But if the unbeliever separates, let him separate; the brother or the sister is not enslaved in such cases.” But … not as from a slave woman; for she is your body; for if [you do so], [you dishonour] what is yours. And what is the fear? That she not … not rise up against him, not love the first place; it suffices that fear stands within these limits. But if you love, as you were commanded, you will achieve more; or rather you will no longer achieve this by fear, but love itself achieves something. The sex is somehow weaker, needing much help, much condescension. And what would those say who are joined in second marriages? I do not say this condemning them, God forbid, for the Apostle too permitted it, but very much by way of condescension. Provide her with everything, do everything for her, and endure hardship; necessity … Here he does not think fit to introduce his counsel from examples outside, as he does in many places. For that of Christ was enough, being great and strong, especially for the argument of subjection. “He shall leave,” he says, “his father and his mother.” See, this is from outside. But he did not say, “and shall live with,” but showed the exact union, the love with intensity. And he was not content with this, but by what he added he showed the subjection to be such that the two no longer appear two. He did not say, “into one spirit,” he did not say, “into one soul” (for that is clear and possible for anyone), but so as to be one flesh. 6. She is a second authority, having authority and much equality of honour; but nevertheless the husband has something more. This is the greatest safety of a household. For he took that example of Christ not only to show that one must love, but also govern: “that she may be,” he says, “holy and without blemish”; but “of his flesh” refers to loving, and “shall be joined” likewise to loving. … For if you make her holy and without blemish, everything follows. Seek the things of God, and human things will follow with much ease. Govern your wife, and so the household is knit together. Hear Paul saying, “If they wish to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home.” If we manage our households so, we shall also be fit for the oversight of the church; for the household too is a small church. So it is possible for men and women, having become good, to surpass all. Consider Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, the three hundred and eighteen born in his house: how full it was. She both fulfilled the apostolic command and feared her husband; for hear her saying, “It has not yet happened to me until now, and my lord is old”; and he so loved her as to obey her in everything she commanded. And the child was virtuous, and the household servants themselves admirable, who did not shrink from running risks with their master, did not delay or ask the reason; but one of them, their chief, was so admirable that he was entrusted with the marriage of the only son and … a journey to a foreign land. For just as with a general, when the army too is well knit together, the enemy can get in nowhere, so here too, when husband and wife and children and servants care for the same things, the concord of the household is great; whereas, if it is not so, often through one bad servant the whole is overturned and destroyed, and one man often wipes out and ruins everything. Let us, then, take much forethought for wives and children and slaves, knowing that we shall make our rule easy for ourselves, and that we shall have mild and gentle audits, and shall say, “Here am I and the children whom God has given me.” If the husband is admirable and the head good, the rest of the body too will suffer no violence. How, then, things concerning the wife might be well disposed, and the husband, he said exactly, exhorting her to fear him as head and him to love her as his wife. And how could these things come about? he says. That they must, he has shown; but how, I will tell you: if we despise money, if we look to one thing only, virtue of soul, if we keep the fear of God before our eyes. For what he said in speaking to slaves, “Whatever good or evil each does, this he will receive back from the Lord,” applies here too. Love her, then, not so much for her sake as for Christ's. This at any rate he hinted at in saying, “as to the Lord.” Do everything, then, as obeying the Lord and doing all for his sake; this is enough to lead and persuade, and not to allow any wrangling or discord. Let no one be believed who slanders the husband to the wife; nor let the husband simply believe anything against the wife, nor the wife pry idly into his comings and goings; nor indeed let the husband make himself deserving of any suspicion. For why, tell me, do you give yourself all day to your friends, and to your wife the evening, and not even so can you satisfy her and put her beyond suspicion? And if the wife complains, do not be vexed; it comes from love, not from arrogance; the complaints come from burning love, from fiery affection and fear. For she fears that someone has stolen her bed, that someone has robbed her of the chief of her goods, that someone has taken away her head, that someone has broken into her bed. There is another occasion of pettiness too: let no one concern himself with the servants beyond measure, neither the husband with the maid nor the wife with the servant; for these things are enough to breed suspicions. Think of those righteous ones: Sarah herself bade the patriarch take Hagar; she herself commanded it, no one compelled her, nor did the husband approach her; but although he had dragged on a long time childless, he preferred never to become a father rather than grieve his wife. And yet after all this, what does Sarah say? “May God judge between me and you.” Would not anyone else have been moved to anger, have lifted his hands, all but saying, “What are you saying? I did not wish to have relations with the woman; the whole thing was your doing, and now you complain?” But he said nothing of the kind; but what? “See, the maid is in your hands; treat her as pleases you.” He gave up the partner of his bed so as not to grieve Sarah. And yet nothing is greater than this as a ground of goodwill. For if sharing a table creates fellow feeling even among robbers toward their opponents (and the Psalmist says, “You who together with me sweetened my food”), becoming one flesh (for this is what sharing a bed is) is much more able to draw one. But none of these things could overcome the righteous man; he gave her up to his wife, showing that nothing had happened through his fault; and, what is greater, he sent her away pregnant. Who would not have pitied one pregnant with a child by him? But the righteous man was not bent; for he put love for his wife before everything.

Let us too imitate him. Let no one reproach his neighbour with poverty, let no one love money, and everything is resolved. Nor let a wife say to her husband, “… and much sleep; so-and-so, a lowly man and of lowly parents, took on dangers and set out on journeys and made a great fortune, and his wife wears gold and goes out behind a pair of white mules, she is carried about everywhere, she has herds of servants and a swarm of eunuchs; but you cower and live to no purpose.” Let a wife not say these things and the like; for she is the body, not so as to give orders to the head but so as to be persuaded and obey. How then, someone says, will she bear poverty? From where will she find consolation? Let her pick out for herself the poorer women; let her reckon how many well-born girls of well-born parents not only received nothing from their husbands but even gave besides and spent all they had; let her consider the dangers that come from such riches, and she will embrace the untroubled life. And altogether, if she were affectionately disposed toward her husband, she would say nothing of the kind, but would choose to have him near her bringing in nothing, rather than ten thousand talents of gold with the anxiety and care that always come to wives from journeys abroad. But neither let the husband, hearing these things, because he has authority, ever lift his hands; that is far from a free soul; nor insults, nor reproaches, nor abuse; but let him set her right as one disposed rather foolishly. And how will this come about? If she learns the true wealth, if the philosophy from above, she will complain of nothing of the kind. Let him teach her that poverty is no evil; let him teach her not only by what he says but also by what he does; let him teach her to despise glory, and the wife will neither say nor desire anything of the kind. As one receiving a statue, so from that evening on which he takes her … gentleness, so that she may live with dignity, at once from the outset and from the very doorway casting down the love of money; and let him train her in philosophy, and advise her that there be no gold hanging from her ears and lying along her cheeks and round her neck, nor laid up about the bedchamber, nor gold and costly garments stored away. Let the adornment be bright, but let the brightness not fall into excess; but leaving these things to those on the stage, adorn the house yourself with much decorum, breathing chastity rather than any other fragrance. For from this there will be two or three good things: first, the bride will not be grieved when the bridal chamber is dismantled and the garments and gold and silver vessels are sent back to each lender; second, the bridegroom will not be anxious about loss or about guarding what has been gathered; third, besides these, the chief of goods: by these very things he will show his own mind, that he delights in none of these things, and that he will put a stop to all the rest too, and will never allow either dances or indecent songs to take place. And I know that I seem perhaps ridiculous to some in laying down such laws; yet if you are persuaded by me, as time goes on and you enjoy the benefit of the thing, then you will know the gain; the laughter will pass, and you will laugh at the present custom, and see that what happens now is truly the doing of foolish children and drunken men; but what I advise belongs to chastity and philosophy and the highest way of life. What, then, do I say must be done? Remove from the wedding all the shameful songs, the satanic ones, the indecent odes, the gatherings of licentious young men, and this will be able to make the bride chaste. For at once she will reason with herself, “Wonderful! What kind of man is this? He is a philosopher, he counts the present life as nothing; he has brought me into his house for the bearing and rearing of children, for keeping the house.” But are these things unpleasant to the bride? For the first day and the second; but after that, no; rather she will reap the greatest pleasure, freeing herself from all suspicion. For one who would not put up with pipers or dancers or effeminate songs, and that at the time of the wedding, would hardly ever bring himself to do or say anything shameful. And after this, when you have removed all these things from the wedding, take her and mould her well, drawing out her modesty for a long time, and not breaking it down quickly. For even if the girl is rather bold, she knows how to keep silent for a while, respecting her husband and being unfamiliar with things. Do not, then, break down this modesty quickly, as licentious husbands do, but draw it out for a long time; for this will be a great gain for you. She will not complain for a while; she will not find fault with whatever you lay down.

Lay down all your laws, then, at that time, when modesty, like a bridle laid on the soul, does not let her find fault or complain of what is done. For when she takes to frankness, with great freedom she overturns and confounds everything. When, then, is there another time so suited to mould a wife as that, when she respects her husband and still fears and is abashed? Then lay down all your laws for her, and she will certainly obey, willing or unwilling. And how will you not break down her modesty? When you yourself appear no less modest than she, speaking little with her, and that with much gravity and composure. Then set before her the words about philosophy; for the soul receives them. Set her in the finest habit, I mean modesty. And if you wish, I will also tell you, by way of example, what one should say to her. For if Paul did not refuse to say, “Do not deprive …” words, or rather not those of a bridesmaid but of a spiritual soul, much more shall we not refuse to say … What, then, should one say to her? With much grace, say to her: “My child, we took you as the partner of our life, and brought you in to share with us the most honourable and most necessary things, the bearing of children and the governing of a household. What, then, do we ask of you?” Or rather, before this, speak of love; for nothing so helps to persuade the hearer to receive what is said as learning that it is said with much love. How, then, will you show love? If you say: “Though it was possible to take many, both wealthier and of distinguished family, I did not choose them, but loved you and your character, your decorum, your gentleness, your chastity.” Then from this at once prepare a road for the words about philosophy, and denounce wealth with some circuit of speech. For if you simply stretch out a speech against wealth, you will be tiresome; but if you take hold of an occasion, you will achieve everything. For you will seem to do it by way of defending yourself, not as someone harsh and graceless and petty, but when you take the occasion from her own affairs, she will be pleased too. You will say, then (for we must take up the discourse again), “When it was possible to marry a rich and well-off woman, I would not. Why? Not simply or at random; but I was well taught that wealth is no possession, but a thing easily despised, and one found even with robbers and harlots. So, leaving these things, I came to the virtue of your soul, which I prize above all gold. For a sensible and free young girl, who cares for piety, is worth the whole world. For this reason I both embraced you and love you, and prefer you to my own soul. For the present life is nothing, and I pray and beseech and do everything so that we may be found worthy so to order the present life as to be able there too, in the age to come, to be with one another with great freedom. For this time is short and perishable; but if we are found worthy, having pleased God, so to pass through this life … we shall be always with Christ and with one another, with greater pleasure. I prefer your love to everything, and nothing is so hard or grievous to me as ever to be at odds with you; even if I must lose everything, even if I must become an Irus, even if I must undergo the utmost dangers, even if I must suffer anything whatever, all is bearable and endurable to me so long as things are well with me in regard to you; and my children will be dear to me then, so long as you are well disposed toward us. And you too will have to do these things.” Then mingle the apostolic words too, that God wills our goodwill to be so knit together. For hear the Scripture saying, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother” … and let there be among us one occasion of pettiness … “let money go, and the crowd of slaves, and the honours from outside; to me this is more precious than all.” How much gold, how many treasures, will not these words be more desirable to the wife? Do not fear that, being loved, she may grow arrogant toward you, but confess that you love her. For courtesans, clinging now to this man and now to that, might naturally be lifted up against their lovers when they hear such words; but a free woman and a well-born girl would never be lifted up by these words, but is rather bowed down by them. Show that you set great store by her company, and wish to be at home for her sake rather than in the market; and prefer her to all your friends, and to the children she has borne, and let them too be loved by you for her sake. If she does something good, praise and admire her; if something unseemly, such as befalls young girls, advise and remind her. Continually denounce money and extravagance, point out the adornment that comes from decorum and from dignity, and teach her constantly what is profitable. 7. Let your prayers be in common; let each go to church, and let the husband ask the wife at home for her share of what was said and read there, and she the husband. If some poverty holds you, bring forward the holy men, Paul, Peter, who were more highly esteemed than all kings and rich men, and how they passed their life in hunger and thirst; teach her that nothing in life is to be feared except offending God. If anyone marries so, on these terms, he will be not much inferior to the monks, nor the married man to the unmarried. If you wish to give dinners and hold feasts, invite no indecent person, no disorderly person; but if you find some holy poor man, able to bless your house, able by the setting of his feet in it to bring in all the blessing of God, invite him. Shall I say something else too? Let none of you strive to marry a wealthier woman, but much rather a poorer one. For she will not come in bringing so much occasion of pleasure from her money as of unpleasantness from her reproaches, from demanding more than she brought in, from her insults, from her extravagance, from her vulgar words. For she will perhaps say, “I have not yet spent anything of yours; I am still wearing my own things, which my parents gave me.” What are you saying, woman? You are still wearing your own things? And what could be more wretched than this word? You no longer have your own body, and do you have your own money? After the marriage you are no longer two fleshes, but you have become one; and are the possessions two and not one? O the love of money! You have both become one person, one living being, and you still say, “My things”? This word is accursed and foul; it was brought in by the devil. God made common to us all things more necessary than these, and are these not common? One cannot say, “my light, my sun, my water”; all the greater things are common to us, and is money not common? Let money perish ten thousand times; or rather not money, but the dispositions that do not know how to use money, but prefer it to everything. Teach these things too, with the others, but with much grace. For since exhortation to virtue in itself has much that is gloomy, especially toward a tender young girl, when words about philosophy are spoken, devise much grace, and banish especially from that soul the words “mine” and “yours.” If she says, “My things,” say to her: “What things do you call yours? For I do not know; I have nothing of my own. How then do you say ‘my things,’ when everything is yours?” Grant her the word. Do you not see that we do this with children? When, as we hold something, a child snatches it and then wishes to take the other thing too, we give in and say, “Yes, this is yours, and that too.” Let us do this with the wife too; for her mind is rather childlike; and if she says, “My things,” say, “Everything is yours, and I am yours.” The word is not flattery but much good sense. So you will be able to calm her anger and quench her despondency. For flattery is when one does something ignoble for an evil end; but this is the greatest philosophy. Say, then: “I too am yours, my child; Paul advised me this, saying, ‘The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.’ If I have no authority over my own body, but you do, much more over the money.” You have given her rest by saying these things … you have made her a slave, more than one bought with silver; with these words you have bound her. So by what you say, teach her never to say “mine” and “yours.” And never call her simply, but with endearment, with honour, with much love. Honour her, and she will not need honour from others, she will not need glory from others, if she enjoys yours. Prefer her to all, on every account, both for beauty and for good sense, and praise her. So you will persuade her to attend to none of those outside, but to laugh at all the others. Teach her the fear of God, and everything will flow as from a spring, and the house will be full of countless good things. If we seek the incorruptible things, these corruptible ones too will come. “For seek first,” he says, “the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.” What must we think the children of such fathers will be like? What the servants of such masters? What all the others who come near them? Will it not come about that they too are full of countless good things? For for the most part slaves too shape their characters to those who rule them, and become like them in their desires; they love the same things, which they have also been taught; they speak the same things, they spend their time in the same things. If we so order ourselves, and attend to the Scriptures, we shall be taught most things by them; and so we shall be able to please God, and to pass through the whole present life with virtue, and to obtain the good things promised to those who love him; which may we all be found worthy of, by the grace and love for humankind of our Lord Jesus Christ, with whom to the Father, together with the Holy Spirit, be glory, might, honour, now and always, and to the ages of ages. Amen. [Homily 21.] “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honour your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with a promise, ‘that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.’”